Will I be getting my freak on, on your freak?

Conformation and visual appeal or lack thereof are actually the easy pieces of the puzzle when looking at sales ads. The toughest thing of all to evaluate - really at any point in time, young, old, nearly dead - has to be temperament, and specifically "hotness".  (No, no, I am not back to the running guy on the triangle with the tarp.  I am being serious here!)


Reader Jackie was kind enough to send me this link, and it does cover many of the areas where misunderstandings can exist.. for example, the relationship between bombproof, stupid, and nearly dead...
http://www.ultimatehorsesite.com/fun/jokes2.html


I know it is probably no different for those of you looking for love on internet sites, I can just imagine how my online dates would turn out if I didn't already have the perfect-in-every-way Mr. Motard (Yah, well... let me tell you, her pic was not bad, she sounds ok on the phone... but WOW we just aren't compatible in the bedroom.  She put her fingers in her ears and went la-la-la-la when I started talking about how important it is to get your pole* vertical, and just totally LOST it when you ask her if she has any interest in trying some "airs above the ground" - I didn't waste all of this money on the stripper kit and sex swing to wind up dating a prude. I bet riding from behind would be right out of the question - DELETE).

But really, whether sellers try to be honest or not regarding the degree of freaky their horse possesses, I don't think there is any way to totally overcome this, especially when you are dealing in the world of dressage.  We will never all agree on what constitutes "good temperament", because there absolutely is no once size fits all when it comes to temperament - or your definition of "dressage success" for that matter.

Why?  Well, when dealing with adult ams who are new to dressage, there are two main problems:

- Horses that reach higher levels and are competitive these days are firecrackers
- Middle aged women who want to reach higher levels and be competitive these days typically aren't

(And yes, I do include myself in this category on most days, so don't get all pissy and think I am being elitist)

"Oh but Curmudgeon, the pyramid says "Rhythm" is first, and that is the result of physical and mental relaxation. A tense or reactive "firecracker" horse is missing the first rung!  This is the whole issue with "competitive dressage"!

I get so sick of people saying this.  Yes, we all want relaxation.  No, we don't want rhythm mistakes, and the hotter and more reactive your horse gets, the harder it is to channel their energy in a "relaxed" way, no doubt.  But if your horse is bombproof to the point of near death, that is just a little too relaxed.

To really witness this - spend some time scribing at training level, over the course of several years (for the love of all that is holy, wear pants!).

But I am in a box!  No one can even see my legs!

There are very relaxed, rhythmic horses that will win at training level, every single one of those several years.  Again, again, again.  ZZzzz... First, they make for a very boring day, often of high scores and few mistakes, which is not at all entertaining.

Secondly - although they earn scores that would get any bulletin board to heartily agree that "YES!  If you are consistently scoring 65%+ you are READY for the next level!" for some reason... they never do move on.

Then ride one of these "relaxed to death, I smoked the first layer of the pyramid and came back for seconds" horses.  You may want to sing while you ride... may I suggest "flog,  flog, flog your horse".  Because if the horse is not at least a little reactive, you are in for a non-productive or at least very boring ride.

Unless you are a hard core low level DQ and plan to stay that way (not that there is anything wrong with that if it is your goal..), you may want to set your sights on something a little more fiery.

And the flip side of this is...I really hate to say it, I know it is going to piss someone off... but if you can't handle at least "medium salsa" in your horses, you may have to decide that "hard core low level DQ" is where your sights should be.

Or, perhaps win the lottery, because near dead bombproof AND easy to ride at upper levels is going to set you back.  Lots.

I am not saying the "bombproof" horse cannot make it up the levels.  I have ridden a few of these horses over the years now that have progressed quite far.  One was a perennial Young Rider's horse that never did particularly well in the ring who needed to be "jazzed" up a bit before he would really "come through".  After riding him a few times, I realized that "jazzed" translated roughly into "harassed incessantly into getting his lazy butt in gear", (which is maybe less scary than a horse with go, but so incredibly freaking frustrating it will sap any joy out of riding).  It is was easy to blame his lack of success in the ring on his gaits (after all, he was part TB and judges have a bias blah-blah-blah), but really, when the rider is working that hard to do everything...nothing can look very beautiful, regardless of the breed.

And I am not saying that firecrackers are for everyone, but if you truly want to make it up the levels, can tolerate a bit of terror now and again - and think your hips can take a fall or two without breaking, I do think it is your better bet.  Buy the sharpest horse you can actually ride (after being realistic with yourself about what constitutes "the sharpest horse you can actually ride"... hmm, material for a whole post right here...coming up!).

Short term, you will be frustrated as your horse acts like a wingnut as a 4 year old at training level and you get smoked by all of the nearly-deads, but longer term, as your horse boogies around the ring passaging without a whip, you will forget the times you were humiliated by his exuberance...

*Yes, I know - spelling is different.  Work with me on the joke, would you?

Dear small scale breeder of "fine" horses....

I begin 2012 with a letter that I really should have written back in 2003.

To the kind of crappy horse breeder that depresses the hell out of buyers, makes us think we can't win if we don't buy imported, and ruins the game for the actual ethical breeders working their butts off here in North America to create a reputation for something other than... well...

Dear small scale breeder of fine horses,

I want to start by saying that, in theory, I do admire what you are trying to do. Really.  I am glad to hear you have lush green homegrown hay, bed your horses only on light golden straw, and have100 family owned acres on which your mannerly and people oriented youngstock are free to roam while socializing and "just being horses".  Yada, yada, yada... All that shit sounds great.

I am just a bit confused as to how, during all of this nurturing and caring and bringing along of babies slowly and carefully, you somehow managed to overlook the fact that your horse has a screamingly obvious club foot.

Ooooh I am seeing FEI level Dressage potential, aren't you!

One would think that during all of these line classes that you apparently took Clubby to to give him the opportunity to learn to trailer, and to experience the exhilarating atmosphere of the showgrounds as a youngster, that maybe someone would have mentioned it to you.

Or maybe they did... and really it is my bad for not specifically asking "does Clubby have any glaring conformational defects?" or, maybe "did Clubby always come in last at these breed shows, due to the presence of glaring conformational defects?" or "is my blacksmith going to say "oh for fuck's sake" the first time he meets him"?

I know, I know, I read it time and time again on the message boards.  Sellers complaining about how we buyers just have no clue what we are looking for.  Like, say, if we want a dressage horse with FOUR good feet, you think we would mention it!

Assholes.

Honestly, we buyers are such a bunch of time wasters, just driving all over the countryside kicking tires, begging our veterinarian friends to come out on unpaid shopping jaunts with us as a favour, in November, when they are 8 months pregnant, because we THINK the horse sounds perfect, without doing ANY of our homework...only to have our friends look from the club foot, to us, to the club foot, to us..  in the universal, silent, alternating eye contact gesture that clearly says "is it just me or...WTF?  You needed a vet for THIS?"

Same deal - with Roachy.  The roach backed horse.  I know, I know, my bad again.  As we gabbed away about the wonders of Roachy, we only covered his georgeous steel grey colour, and unbeatable Trakehner bloodlines, floating movement, blah blah blah.  The fool that I am, didn't ask probing questions to see if his back was relatively flat, and his ass was sort of roundish in shape.  For all you knew, I was looking for a horse with a nice little ridge to hang your hat on - this may have been a "value add" in your books.

If I had used my eyes and really, REALLY inspected the running Sasquatch-type pictures you sent, I would surely have noticed his interesting profile.  Or at least the fact that every one of them was taken at kind of a 3/4 side angle, therefore never actually letting me see any profile at all....

Anyway, now that we have established clearly that *I* am most certainly the crazy one here... would you be so kind as to offer me some advice?

When faced with this situation, how would you prefer the (non)buyer respond?

The fact that you called me back with lower pricing even after I said "uuuhh...I really doooon't really think Clubby and Roachy are what I am after" at the end of my visit indicates that you felt my budget was the only thing standing between you and a successful sale.

Not so.

To avoid this confusion..should I have gone "HOLEY SHIT! This is SO COOL!  I have only seen a roach back like that in "101 Conformational Don'ts"!... I had no idea they really existed!"

Or maybe "WOW - that horse's foot looks just like a weird sort of ball!  Not all slopey like normal feet.  How interesting!"

Or what would you have said if I just laid it all out there and announced "Hmmm, nice club foot.  NO.  Why on earth would you even show me this animal for the price you are asking".  I guess that is the right thing to do, be transparent! Assssertive!... but it just seems so awkward, what with the three years of golden straw and frolicking and all that shit. I feel badly for you, really I do.

Don't worry.  Sooner or later someone will show up and be too stupid to notice.  Or maybe you can sell via the internet to someone in the U.S or something, who doesn't actually come on out and look at the horse themselves.  Just be patient.  You jerk.

Know when to Hold em. Fold em. Run.

Now where was I...

Horrible videos, Horrible pictures, and ho-hum Canadian Sporthorses.

I clearly needed a bit more strategy to my search.


Although the platypus had not yet sold, I knew that I would be lucky to get $5000 out of the whole deal by the time it was all added up.  I had a little bit of savings to spare, so realistically, my budget was $10,000 tops.

Leave a bit of negotiation room in there - I was looking at things listed under $15,000 that could potentially be negotiated down to $10,000. Or much less, even better.

Which eliminated:
Anything "imported"
Anything with two "imported parents"

(= So fuck off and stop asking me if I have been out to Charlot Farms yet)

It also eliminated the possiblity of paying comission to a dressage trainer to help me find the perfect horse.  There just wasn't a dime to spare.  Well, actually it was about the money and also about the fact that I hadn't yet located one that didn't make me want to drive a spike through my left temple.  And add to that the fact that they would likely insist on me finding something imported or with two imported parents, which would take care of the spike through my right temple.

"Oh but Curmudgeon, by paying for expertise up front - you will save yourself money and heartache in the long run"

Yah, whatever.  Bite me.

Now don't get me wrong.  Remember that I was not a newbie to the equine world, I had been riding all of my life.  If you don't actually know anything about buying horses, hiring someone knowledgable to help is definitely the way to go, I am not poo-poohing this idea in theory.  But in a lot of ways, it is like reading "How to win at Blackjack" before heading to Vegas.  You will give yourself an edge by knowing that giddily yelling "hit me" with two tens in your hand is probably not a great idea, unless entertaining your friends with your stupidity is your goal (and that can be fun too, I am not knocking it).

No, seriously - this one is not an ad.  Stop clicking it!

But the bottom line is - who the hell knows how your horse is going to turn out, especially when you are buying a two year old.  If Vegas were easy and predictable, we would all be laughing with our friends tossing about $80,000 worth of poker chips while driving home from Vegas in our father-in-law's smashed up convertibles, happy as clams even though we slept with hookers while drunk and even though we know we are going to be late for our weddings, at which we will smell like unwashed ass when we do finally arrive. 

If choosing unstarted youngstock was simple, fabulous Grand Prix horses would be everywhere instead of only being owned by a handful of olympians (and thousands of classical dressage people who just don't believe in the evils of competitive dressage, and therefore keep these horses hidden in their backyards). 

So, long story short - I decided to cheap out and not pay for the "advice of a dressage pro". Instead, I enlisted the help of some experienced hunter/eventer friends who, while they were not "dressage professionals" did know how to spot a sound horse with good conformation.  They were also familiar enough with my riding ability to be able to tell me if the temperment of the horse in question was a good match, or if I were likely to die quickly.

And really - if you wind up with a horse that is realitively sound and not all that deadly, you are doing better than 85 - 90% of the people I read about on bulletin boards.  So this is no cakewalk in and of itself.  

But I didn't just have my team of hand chosen experts at my disposal.  I also had the internet of course.  No, no, don't panic.  I didn't start posting "what do you think of this horse" critiques on bulletin boards.

(Don't you love these? I decided to take a walk down memory lane and see if I could locate one to read and refresh my memory.  Yep, didn't take long - there is one on Chronofhorse right now - 7 pages with "update - post 106!"  Complete with the "yes! that horse is perfect!" "NO that horse is shit" and plenty of rationalization on all sides.  Fun!  Not!)

This time, I tried something different.  I started watching videos - primarily Anky and Bonfire, winning assorted things.  And from this, I formed a picture of what I wanted my next horse to look like. I was looking for something MODERN - leggy, lean and spidery.  With lots of knee action.  (I tried not to get too depressed by the fact that Anky is leggy, lean and spidery too, not sawed off and hammered down like yours truly, and perhaps this contributed to the overall elegant picture.  To make myself feel better, I watched Isabelle now and then.  She has an ass more like mine). 

Yah, seriously. Who wants a Rio Grande x TB clunker for $25,000 anyways.  Pfft. Rationalization, you are my best friend.

Merry Christmas!

Or.. Festivus for the rest of us... whatever.  I am not here to debate.

Thanks to all of you for reading my blog in 2011 - see you in 2012!

Hey.. don't I know you from high school?

Way back in the day when I was 16 or so and thought I was cool, I needed some spending money to play the part.  And so, I passed my time on the weekends mucking stalls at a Thoroughbred farm.  (Acid washed jeans don't buy themselves, you know).

Yes. I was livin on a prayer. And some alcohol, I think.

It was a fun enough job I suppose, and gave me valuable experience in dealing with maniac youngsters that would come in handy when I someday decided to buy my own (more on this to come!)

There were a few stakes winners that came and went, but for the most part as I recall the situation, the establishment was primarily a tax shelter for a rich restaurateur, and therefore the quality of the horses bred there was not of paramount importance.  As a result, there was a mixed bag of claiming race divas on site, now hairy and saggy and pumping out new claiming race type babies with the help of a few equally as saggy and hairy stallions.

Now some of the mares were nice enough visually I suppose - but none had been under saddle as anything other than racehorses, and even that was probably 5+ years ago in most cases at the time, circa 1986.  They were all far from racing fit by the time I knew them, and so I guess we could say they were "built like warmbloods" (i.e. - fat).  Actually, back in the day we didn't even know what a warmblood was yet.  Any horse with a nice topline and round bum was "fancy", and any horse over 16 hh was "huge" - some of these ladies qualified.  Now and then, while scoopin the poop and shooting the shit, we would play "which horse would you turn into your hunter" as teenagers like to do, but never expected anything to ever come of this.

I have to stop thinking this, don't I.  Because nothing is ever a dead end in the horse world.

Fast forward - oh, 20 years.  When Dressage Curmudgeon first starts to learn about "the Canadian Sport Horse".

While shopping, I looked at a horse sired by a Canadian Sporthorse by the name of "Dancing Eudardo*".  Not my favourite name of all time, sounds like a good name for a stripper at the Foxxes Den, but whatever...he is  a WARMBLOOD, right?  And that is why the breeder is asking $10,000+ for the offspring, makes sense, I guess.

The resulting filly that I went to see was just ok.  As were most of the "TB x warmblood" Canadian Sporthorses that I ended up looking at.  Nice looking, but just not WOW.  She was similar to 50 other horses that you would see at any average trillium show.  It was confusing to me, frankly.  What is the deal with these fabulous new "warmbloods"?  I am not feeling it.

When I got home, I started doing some stalking to find out more about the sire...allbreedpedigreequery is a wonderful thing. Hmmm... let's see... his mom was actually a Thoroughbred,  not a "warmblood", named Dancing Lois*..ok, that makes the stripper name theme a bit more logical if nothing else...

Whaaa...WTF? Just a minute here..Lois!  Dancing Lois!  I know that horse!  She was one of the saggy claiming race divas!  How could that be?

I was just like Fox Mulder.  (Not Scully.  I can't run in heels that well).  I had discovered the truth - it was out there.  I started searching the names of all of the Saggies.  Dish of Pepper - yep, she was bred to Goldshaleger to create "Ghostrunner*", another "Canadian Sporthorse" Stallion.

Her offspring, Love in My Butt* who was still racing during my time there - yep, she had a "warmblood" baby out there who strangely enough was one of the first so-called "Hanoverians" I had run into during my travels in the H/J circles - a big solid horse with a totally unbeatable temperament, but that was dog ugly and nothing special in the movement department either... well, now I know why she didn't dazzle me as I expected to be dazzled by a "warmblood".

This was at least a little less disturbing - in this instance Love in My Butt was only the mare, creating a few offspring.  But why, why, why on Earth were the genetics of the other saggies being passed on to multiple mares via Stallions with absolutely no performance records associated with any of them?

Beats me.  But what I knew for sure was that I wasn't about to pay $10,000 for it.

For the record - neither of these stallions are currently approved for breeding with CSH - I am not sure if they ever were.  But people keep breeding them anyways!  I found a Holst/TB/Perch cross sired by one of these stallions advertised as a "CSH" just now, for $2000 (you guessed it...a PMU baby).

I guess this false marketing isn't CSH's fault, but it sure doesn't help their cause any.  

Had I not been an early adopter of the compulsive internet stalking habit, I would have never figured it out.  I potentially would have bought  the offspring at a premium as a "Canadian Sport Horse", sired by a "warmblood" (Not aged, off the track saggy mare spawn).  If I had wanted a TB, I would have rescued one...not that there is anything wrong with that...

And...if I can be a bit harsh - are the CSHA's standards high enough in the first place?  The mares - who at the time of their approvals must have been around 15 and 20 years of age - were not stunning specimens and had absolutely nothing to show in terms of performance, or even being ridden as something other than racehorses 10+ years ago, then wandering around a field for the remainder of their existence.  Should they have been approved at all?  Is that the best we have to offer with respect to foundation genetics here in Canada - big old TB's with the ability to cough up another baby?

I am not sure what the best way for them to clean up their act and image is... but it certainly does need some work.

And by the way - in case you think I have some bizarre axe to grind with respect to CSH's - really, I don't.  I did end up buying one, because a good horse is a good horse, whatever you might decide to call it.  She is NOT a TB cross though...

(why does Dressage Curmudgeon hate TB's so much, you may wonder.  Really I don't...)

*names have been changed to protect the saggy.

Is it time to start kicking tires yet?

And so, after a few tries, and a few close calls with weirdness, I decided that maybe part-boarding wasn't the way to go right away.  I still had my hunter friends who always needed a horse or two tuned up, so I figured I would get my riding fix there and instead start some virtual shopping.

Now remember, the year was 2004.  Horse shopping was a lot different than it is today.

Well - let me rephrase that.  Because many parts of horse shopping, virtual or not, have not changed at all, in probably, oh, 500 years.  Things like showing lame horses, and really hoping the buyer doesn't notice. The part that has changed is the "virtual" side of the game.

Back in the day - it was actually acceptable to post an ad with no pic and expect someone to call you.  (I actually bought the Platypus from a Toronto Star classified ad. Remember those?)  Now, I won't even click on an ad unless there is a multi-media show awaiting me.

This is good... and bad.

It is good in that - if a horse is a conformational horror show - a good pic will usually bring this to your attention fairly quickly.  The bad side of it is - if a horse is not a conformational horror show - a stupid owner will be able to mislead you into thinking it is, by posting a really bad picture.  I am sure some good opportunities got away from me due to the strange compulsion of some sellers to depict their horses as mud encrusted camels with their front legs in a hole.

"Athletic"

I get that you are busy.  So am I - that is why I am not going to drive all over Ontario to see if there is a beautiful beast hiding out under the wild child exterior. I don't care how wonderful your baby is (remember, I was looking for a 2 - 3 year old, so not the sexiest phase to be viewing horses in the first place), it cannot really wow me if it is filthy with a long tangled mane, standing in 6 inches of manure.  It can't be a blurry picture snapped from 500 yards away, with the horse fleeing at a strange angle like that famous picture of bigfoot.  The horse should not be huddled with 7 other muddy friends.

"Ground covering stride"

It is good in that - pretty much everyone posts a youtube video these days that you can check out, typically before you even call.

It is also bad in that many owners create truly horrific videos that are impossible to watch for more than 25 seconds.

Some like to show off their horses "suspension" and "uphill gaits" by scaring the snot out of them and having them rip-snort around the mud/manure paddock, sliding into fencing and doing bad, hoppy Pepe LePeu canter with frantic disunited changes thrown in here and there.

Again - you could have been a contender!  (If your owner wasn't stupid!)

Equally as bad are the people who have slapped a saddle (typically something that says "redneck", like maybe a purple wintec) on the horse, and then show it doing a slow catatonic western jog type trot on the longe line.  Extra nice when this is performed on frozen, lumpy ground.  First - I have mixed feelings about the 2-year old that is ho-hum bored on the longe line - how much have they been longed?  Secondly - how does this show me anything about how the horse might  move someday when it is actually allowed to GO?

I guess it is better than the "longeing" videos that are depicting "owner flying horse like a kite".  You know the ones with the little bugger ripping around with its head cranked to the inside and the owner trying not to be launched across the field and into the fence...

The ones I can't even watch are the ones where the owner wants to wow me with the fact that they can kick a giant soccer ball at the horse's face, or drape it in a tarp, or some other bizarre Parelli / natural touch shit without the horse going nutso. (I swear, I just made this example up as sort of an amalgam of my memories, but then found a perfect example on on Equine.com in my very first search.  Wow, that is only the second time you have whacked her in the head with a plastic bag on a stick, eh? Hmm....great.  I guess).  Hey, you know what would really impress me instead?  Showing me that the horse can tolerate getting a nice shampoo, having its mane trimmed and braided, and can do something sane and showy on the triangle, while being handled by a handsome, long legged, fast running guy.  He should also be shampooed.  Yah, that would be nice.  You can drape me in a tarp any day, baby.  Ooops, my mind is wandering isn't it.

I know I live in Canada, and therefore we have Winter.  Not everyone has an indoor, and lots of babies live outside.  But I love the responses to sales inquiries that say "Oh, I don't have any pictures of him without six inches of winter coat and a head and body so furry, you can't tell where his neck starts or ends".  Winter is not a surprise that sneaks up on us. (WTF?  It is cold AGAIN? Wow, that's just crazy...!).   Even if you live in Northern Saskatchewan, there is a month or two when I hope to hell this horse does not look like a Yak.  Plan ahead, and snap some pics THEN.  Heey, good idea, eh?

Yes, things are much better as I virtual shop today.  Back in the day, I only had maybe one or two good pics to scrutinize, before picking up the phone (remember back when we called people to verbally ask stuff?) requesting that the owner mail me a VHS tape to look at (sometimes having to pay shipping/handling for the tape).  Which means that I  had not much to work with, and lots of time to daydream about how wonderful the horse would be, before the depressing Pepe LePeu, soccer ball to the head video arrived.

And so, I started the long, slow process of horse shopping.  Step one though, was really deciding what I needed.  Something "registered" would be nice.  Hey, what is this "Canadian Sport Horse" thing anyways.  Sounds interesting....

Empowered, enlightened, harmonized Snake Oil. When plain old Greasy / Slimy isn't enough.

My retrospective bulletin board stalking got me thinking... how on Earth do some of these crappy dressage trainers manage to rise from the ashes and reinvent themselves so easily, in this day and age of the internet?  And what should we do to try to protect others from them, when we hear the train a 'comin, it's rollin round the bend...

Same is true of course for breeders, sales people, whatever.

It really is remarkable. 

At least if you google some of the more seasoned snake oil salesmen, they fired up the snake press before the internet was really established, so it is more difficult to look back on what they did - or did not do - in former lives.  And now their identities are really entrenched in whatever it is they are doing to make a buck today.   

But man, it is so EASY to cyber stalk now!  Are there actually horse owners that don't know about Google?  Am I the only one who compulsively searches anyone they come across in real life now?  

I know the answer is NO to this last question, seeing as my LinkedIn profile has been viewed about 50x more than usual since I started this blog (hey, how do you like my new picture?)... coincidence?  I think not. Although I do keep hoping exciting new job offers are going to come flowing in any time now .  But then on the other hand, the morons over at UDBB felt they needed 2 pages of discussion and the powers of the resident super sleuth to determine who I was and where I lived, based on the hard core identity veil I have put up (Ha HA! if I use my REAL name, no one will ever guess who I am!  AHH HA HAA!  I will create a mythical land called "Toronto" AHH HA HAA <--- evil laughter)

Now, I am not saying that people don't change, or that you can't start a new career, lord knows I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  But when the new business plan is just built purely on bullshit, what is the best way to call these people out?  What can we do as a community to help others avoid wasting time and money on dishonest, unethical trainers?  Or is it a waste of time to try, as people only see what they want to see, and hear what they want to hear?

Am I the only one who watched Oblio as a kid?

I talk a good game, but really I am not doing anything to help either.

An example...for some reason a while back, I got suckered into taking my niece and nephew to their year end Pony Club banquet, because their parental units were otherwise engaged.  

I didn't know anyone there other than said niece and nephew, so sat at some random table of parents.  One started discussing dressage with me almost immediately.  Well that sounds like fun, doesn't it.  Tell me more!  

Well, they had JUST bought their horse off of a FABULOUS local breeder - but not only that, he is also a dressage reiiki classical trainer master...works to merge horse and rider into one body of energy...trains with only the finest Euro trainers, is an active member of the Xenophon Society.  Ohhh... well that is - uh.. interesting.  Yah, interesting. (I started to panic, just a bit).  

Oh yes.  I knew the guy.  In fact, he ran the only barn I have ever fled, under cover of darkness, because I feared that I would show up one day to find my horse not fed and locked in its stall by the repo man. (For the record... this never did happen at the facility to my knowledge, but it was in the air). Well that, and the fact that the barn owner was just hardcore unpleasant to be around. Probably because his business was going tits up, which does tend to wipe the smile off of a person's face, I would think.  And my horse wasn't getting turned out.  And was being fed at random times (maybe not at all, I could not be 100% sure).  And..And..And.. you get the drift. 

After pulling out, I started getting harassing phonecalls from him at work, telling me he was going to take me to small claims court to get a month's worth of board out of me since I signed a contract saying I would give 30 days notice.  This went on for a while, until I sent him something in writing that cross referenced the services to be provided on his contract, versus those I actually received... and said "bring it on, baby!  Can hardly wait to meet Judge Judy".  Well, surprise!  He went away.  And I never heard from him again.

In fact I never even really heard OF him again, until just the last few years.  He has magically resurfaced, dusted off the ashes, and has created this horse empowerment, reiiki master persona that seems to be gaining traction.

So back to the story... Pony Club Banquet.

I sat there staring through her, singing the "Oscar Meyer Wiener" song in my head to occupy my brain and stop it from making me comment on anything she said (I challenge myself by trying to write new rhyming verses.  It really works, I use this technique a lot).  She had all of the buzzwords - "advanced levels", "harmony", "empowerment"...

(hhmm..hhmm..hmmm..hmmm...Oscar Meyer Wiener, everyone would need to take a peeeee..).

But no amount of songwriting could control the next variable who walked in the door.  Mr. Motard.  Late for the banquet.

It didn't take him long to get up to speed on the conversation..

"Wait wait wait... Curmudgeon knows that WHACKJOB!!"

I started deeply into his eyes and used my best mind control skills. You will SHUUUUT - UP!   SHUUUUT - UP NOOOW... they didn't work. They never do.

"Curmudgeon, that's the guy you hated!!  Yah, yah, I am sure it is the same guy... Did he used to have that big fancy barn over on Shits Station road, or whatever it's called?  I am sure it is...!  Yah, yah, she boarded with him and fled because he was nuts!  Come ONNN Curmudgeon!  How can you not remember!  This is supposed to be YOUR hobby!  Sheesh"

(hhmm..hhmm..hmmm..hmmm...Oscar Meyer Wiener, everyon'd commit hariii kareeeee!)

Well, I don't need to tell you a bit of a chill descended over the table.

"MMMM... good pizza, eh?"