Friday 14 October 2011

Realization #1. Message boards are like Wal-Mart. Only stupider.

Now don't get me wrong.  I am not blaming internet message boards for all of my most stupid dressage mistakes.  One doesn't blame tequila for the fact that they danced naked in the halls of South residence during frosh week.  They just go "woah. I should really do my very best to stay away from tequila" then thank whoever it is they pray to that Facebook and digital photography didn't exist in the early 90's.

But wow, when I headed off down the dressage pathway, the stuff I read there without a doubt lead to the biggest and best "head in the toilet, what the hell was I thinking, did I just barf in my car" versions of dressage hangover stupid moves that occurred along the way.  Ultimate Dressage is hands down the worst, but Chron of Horse has it's days, and the local EMG of course gave me the resources needed to meet up with weirdos in person.

Imagine with me reader, for a minute, that you had never in your life ever gone shopping.

Then someone took you to Wal-Mart.

Wow!  It is cool isn't it.  It is cheap.  There are these yellow smiley face things everywhere.  It is brightly lit and lots of other people are here too, all enjoying themselves and sharing in the glory of the low-LOW-prices.

What sort of idiot would spend more money and go to, say, Mexx.  Or Jacob. Or buy shoes at Aldo. God forbid Anne Klein.  Only an idiot would pay for that shit, when we can do it all here together, Wal-Mart shoppers, for way less money.  Let's rise up and share our knowledge.  Who needs those jerks and their natural fabrics and tailored jackets.  Wanks!!   Look, we have George.  He makes fashionable stuff.  Who needs anyone else.

This, my friends, is the way I see Message Boards and their value to dressage.  Why pay for the knowledge and experience of someone who actually knows what the hell they are doing, when you can talk to anonymous morons for free.  But if you have never been shopping before, it takes you a while to figure out that spandex tights and hoodies and pleather boots really shouldn't be worn by anyone, anywhere, even if they talk a good game and sound like they really, really know how to pull together a look, and 15 of their friends pipe up immediately and say "hot, wow, you are it baby".

Well, maybe message boards are a little different.

Like, for argument's sake, say Anne Klein actually walked in to a Wal-Mart, and decided to buy some socks or maybe some dish soap because c'mon, really, the prices ARE good... If Wal-Mart really was a dressage message board (say, Ultimate Dressage), the shopping hordes would rise up and bludgeon her to death with a 60 pack of Nestle Halloween treats, because what on EARTH does Anne Klein know about clothes or fashion or shopping, and how dare she even suggest that she knows how to buy socks any better than us just because she calls herself a designer.  Bitch.  We are livin' it here baby, livin' on a prayer, and we don't need HER!  She will probably take the socks home and smother puppies with them, the cruel, hate filled cow...

And that is why you probably won't see Anne Klein in Wal-Mart, well not in Cambridge anyways, or anyone who knows their ass from a hole in the ground posting anything on a dressage message board.  The mass of morons inevitably rise and kill off any spark of helpfulness and sanity that they might contribute with cries of rollkur and quotes from Walter Zettl. So don't even bother trying to find help there.

Maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone but me, and well, that's fine. I am used to it. Long story short - crack open the wallet.  Pay for good coaching.  Stop reading message boards.

Next time, I will share with you some of my fun filled message board inspired lessons.  Or as I like to remember them "$100's of dollars and hours of my life I will never, ever see again..."

25 comments:

  1. dressagecurmudgeonfan23 November 2011 at 23:46

    Now go to the CotH Dressage Forum and UDBB Observation Lounge and you can read comments about your blog topic. More material for your next blog. ;-)

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  2. Thanks, I will try to find the time.

    Right now I am kind of tied up reading books on how to do a square halt in a double bridle. (Once I perfect the art of reading about it, I am sure it will be very simple in practice).

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  3. Makes total sense to me. Gave up UDBB and a few of the others years ago...once in a while for entertainment purposes only. My garden gnome (if I had one, must get to Wally World and check out their selection) would give better advice than the "biddy board".

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  4. On post #2 and love your blog already. Keep writing!! Glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks WTF re UDBB...

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  5. Good writing Stephanie. Funny and a few grains of truth here definitely.

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  6. bwahahaha this post made my day :) Arguably falls under the sad but true category, but is an analogy I may have to borrow once in a while.

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  7. Perfect! You are so right:o)

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  8. No, UDBB is more like Liz Claiborne. Trying to be exclusive. Yeah right, now available at PJPenny. You can't have a free email account and post there. If you want Walmart go to horsegroomingsupplies forum.

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  9. My dear, does Liz (that would be Elizabeth) Austin know that you have stolen a photo of her and Hierarch to use in your blog? I do believe that all of the boards you have mentioned have, upon several occasions, explained that copying someone else's photo and using it without permission to promote yourself is wrong, and possibly illegal. Do look up the phrase "copyright infringement" before some not-so-nice lawyer teaches you another Wal-Mart lesson, bless your heart!

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  10. Wow, even here you guys are so helpful! You even supply legal advice!

    Hey what is the one where someone wrongly accuses you of doing something repeatedly -is it liable or slander if it is in print. I always get them confused.

    Now don't wimp out and delete your post, it won't be as funny that way.

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  11. Can I hire you to "be in my ear" 24/7 and whip out insults for me to say to the snarky bitches in my life?

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  12. Well it is an American BB and largely peopled by Americans. And the majority of the posters there appear to be over 40, over weight and over horsed. And more interested in endlessly churning the incessant and boring to the rest of the world American political scene than actually discussing the FOCUS of the board, namely dressage. Seriously. Definetly Wallmart.

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  13. And the majority of the posters there appear to be over 40, over weight and over horsed.

    Otherwise known as the fat, bouncing, amateurs. Bless the horses.

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  14. Very True and it is not to hard find out real names and check them'out' on the USDF list and see they may be Internet Champs but no records for their real riding career exist !!
    and it seems the BIGGER the Internet expert the smaller they really appear IRL

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  15. You are SO right. I have never anywhere in real life experienced ANYTHING LIKE the concentration of obnoxious, ignorant, overmedicated, TOXIC personalities and just plain losers as can be found on COTH. Avoid like Ebola!

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  16. I just found out they forgot to pound a stake thru UDBB when it was killed earlier this year---it's risen from the dead again, up and running. UDBB sucks severely and is a support group for the hopelessly not good desperately trying to sound good--- but IMHO COTH is terrifying---I mean really, the threads about veterinary problems and horse management/care will make your hair stand on end....jaaaaysus just consult with a vet!

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