Monday 31 October 2011

Realization #2... Santa, Sasquatch, and Advanced Schoolmasters..

First, I must begin with an addendum...  

Mrs. Curmudgeon had concerns about my last post.  What happened to the Platypus?  Is he ok?  It sounded so sad...  

More details to follow, but for now I will assure you he did not wind up as the guest of honour at a European dinner party.  In fact, after my rude intrusion into his hunter pony gig, he returned to his roots and went on to put his brief dressage nightmare to good use.  Based on my internet stalking (oh, come on now, you do it too) he in fact went on to "hack his way to the Royal" which has nothing to do with pneumonia or phlegm. It is actually the catty way of saying that a horse somehow qualified, despite the fact that he could not jump his way out of a paper bag.   So who knows, maybe he could have been one of the top FEI dressage ponies in Canada after all.  Seeing as there are typically only two entries in the class, really the sky is the limit.  

So it all ended well.  

Now on to the subject at hand.  Ahh yes.  Lessons on the "Advanced Level Schoolmaster".   

Remember when you were about - oh, twelve.  Maybe fourteen if you are a bit slow.  You knew Santa didn't exist.  In fact, it had been many years since you were a believer.  But still.  There was that day, about this time of year, when Zehrs is already packing up the chocolate bars from Halloween and putting out the Egg Nog... That you thought back to how incredibly stupid you must have been to ever believe - really believe - that there was something as wonderful out there as Santa.  Cretin.  Honestly, you actually thought this guy was going to fly around, deliver toys, blah blah blah...moron!  Of course not.  

That is kind of how I feel now thinking back to my days of looking for "the Advanced Level Schoolmaster".  

(Cue theme from National Geographic here..IN SEARCH OF...THE DRESSAGE SCHOOLMASTER.  da dah dah dAAAH dah, dah dah daaaah DAAAH dah DAAH daaa daaaa DAAA!

Where are they?  Why aren't they available?  And why do so many imposters prevail?

Really they mystery is not that difficult to solve.  (Now Sasquatch.  There is a mystery for you).

Imagine for a moment, that you are a dressage instructor.  (Maybe you in fact, are, and you are entirely disgusted by my blog.  Whatever).  You have your old Grand Prix horse, Schließmuskel.  You know, the one that Mommy and Daddy imported for you from Europe 5 years ago, fully trained by Herr Piaffenstein, so that you could really kick ass at Young Riders.  Take that, suckas!  Ahh, memories.  Haaaaa....(insert sigh full of memories).

Now where were you.  Oh yah, you love Muskel to pieces, but you know that if you hang on to him for a few more years, the only other one who is really going to love him is Fido, once he is rendered down and extruded into wholesome, holistic kibbles.

What to do...what to do... I know!  Find Muskel a lovely, kind, wonderful, aged horse petting woman.  One who wants to peter around doing some half pass, maybe some pirouettes, but mostly just some hard core, unplugged, extreme..uh... grooming.  One who likes to spend time selecting supplements, and choosing just the right herbs for horses.  Oh - and one who has, ummm, $30,000 to $50,000 to burn.  Yah, that's the ticket.  And since Mommy and Daddy are a bit miffed that you have taken up with that up and coming indie alternative music artiste, and the bucks just aren't flowing like they used to... that $30,000 will go a long way towards your next horse.  But that is too much info, isn't it.  I digress.  

I am not going to post a link because it might get me in trouble, but for fun, go to Dressage Daily.  Go to the $30,000 - $50,000 category, or even the $50,000 to 75,000 category, and search for horses 15 to 20 years of age.  You will get my drift.  There is a 20 year old horse on there, for sale for $30,000 for goodness sake.

Now why would any instructor in their right mind decide that, no no NO, are you nuts??  Sell Muskel?  That's crazy talk.  I don't want that 30 G up front.  What I would MUCH rather do is get it one hundred agonizing dollars at a time, teaching lesson after painful lesson to bouncing Amateurs that I found randomly on EMG.  I enjoy watching Muskel get his teeth ripped out nightly, that will teach him for the time he decided to poo during the extended trot and we got "loss of rhythm, 6".   And let me do the math, as long as I teach 3 lessons per week, and he stays sound until he is 25, and never misses a beat, minus probaby $5000+ annually in expenses and upkeep... that money is mine, baby, all MINE!

Yah, yah you say.  That is only the asking price.  You know how everyone exaggerates on the internet. They might only get...oh, $28,000.   Whatever.  Bottom line is - great dressage schoolmasters are like gold.  They are owned by fabulous, rich, wonderful owners, who cherish every day they spend with them.

Damn those bitches!!!

The rest of us are stuck with... well, give me some time, and I will give you some examples.

1 comment:

  1. "hard core, unplugged, extreme . . uh . . . grooming," Too. Funny.