Which came first... chicken/egg? Boarding stable/Crazy boarder?

Well, my dear readers, I certainly hope you have enjoyed the last few posts.

No, not only because the long awaited purchase of my horse has finally been executed, and as a result, you can stop asking yourself  “oh for gawd’s sake, how long is this woman going to drag this shit out”. 

But also because I have introduced some cutting edge, thought provoking topics for discussion.  Topics like – was it all about David Lee, or does Sammy Hagar really deserve more credit than he typically gets?  Or, who is responsible for horrifically cryptic Vet checks.. Vets – or the buyers themselves?  And of course...maternity leave – is 6 weeks inhumane and not nearly enough, or should those Canuck slackers get off of their totally healed vaginas and get the hell back to work in 6 months, let alone a fricking year?

I even got some traffic from an “anti-breeders” message board.  I guess being a dressage rider and a child-hater often go hand in hand – who knew? 

(The answer is, of course, that more MEN need to start taking paternity leave, making it employee roulette for the hiring company, regardless of gender)

And so, continuing on this theme, today I would like to ask a question that I know every single one of you will have an opinion on.

Ready – steady – go.

Who is more totally looped out, batshit insane… people who run boarding stables, or the boarders themselves.

Wow. It is a hard call, isn’t it.  I didn’t say it was going to be easy reading this week, did I. 

Now, I have to say this one does hit sort of close to home, since Mr. Motard’s childhood dream is to own a farm.  In his eyes, it makes total sense that we would bring our passions together (don’t worry, I am not about to talk about our sex lives here, stay calm) and buy a beautiful horse farm.

A beautiful horse farm, where he could drive around on a tractor and kibitz with georgeous 22 year old horse owning girls, while I give encouraging, inspiring lessons to 42 year old dressage women on swoosh-swoosh-swooshy imported warmbloods.

Oh, Edith – wooonderful!  Braaavvv!  He is really stepping under!  And is oh, so very THROUGH!  Look at him using his hind end! 

(cue the angels!  Cue the angels!)

A beautiful horse farm, with all of this, as well as an Olympic sized arena, and an all-weather outdoor ring with that magical rubber chippy footing.. and oh yah, one more thing… a motocross track in the back, where he could go and WRRaaaHHHH-WWWWWRRAAAAHHHH- WWWRARRRAHHHRRA- wwwinnng-winngg-dinng-ding-ding-ding-winng.. around on his dirt bikes, after harrowing the dressage ring with said tractor, and kibitzing with the georgeous 22 year olds

Oh, Brittany… how do you afford such an expensive hobby at such a young age…! And you are a student too! Wow, you smart cookie, you must really manage your money well!

And, presumably, I can then pick up the 42 year olds, dust them off, catch their totally freaked out horses, call the ambulance… not necessarily in that order.  Whatever makes the most sense, based on stemming the loss of blood and tears.

Then prepare the 22-year old’s horses for auction, since they have not paid their board in 6 months, which demonstrates how well they are making out at managing such an expensive hobby at such a young age.

Suffice it to say – we have some details to work out in the fine tuning of his master plan.

The other detail to work out (besides where to source the industrial sized box of ear plug pom-pom thingies for the horses) would be how to deal with the fact that most horse owners… are weird.

I would love to stick up for us as a population, but sorry, I can’t.  For the most part we are nuts.  

I may be biased, and not totally objective here – but I would say that this statement doesn’t apply to me, of course.  On the scale of 1 to 10 on the nutty horse owner scale, I am probably a 2.  Maybe 3.  Or 8.  Most certainly no higher than 9.7. 

I base this comment on the following three factors:

-          I always pay my bills. Always.  No matter how horrific they may be, or how unemployed I may be at any given time

-          I always spend whatever needs to be spent in the veterinary and blacksmith department.  Don’t call, don’t ask – just do it, I will pay the bill

-       And lastly...yes, Joe Q Stableowner…I know, I know, it may not appear to be the case every day.  But generally speaking, I do realize that - as wacked out as this may sound - you may actually be running this show as a business, to..*gasp*.. make money - no matter how fucked up that may seem to the emotional and entitled side of me. 

      I realize that you were not put here on this planet by the aliens just for my personal convenience – so that I would have someone to cater to my every need, as I pursue my dream of doing whatever the hell it is I am doing with this horse in some frenetic and willy-nilly fashion. 

That said – I do expect a few things in return for the money which I hand over to you monthly. 

I could create an itemized list, as could all horse owners who board out their horses.  But in the interest of time, I think we can agree that they all boil down to this.

**Just DO whatever the hell it is you SAY you are going to DO**.  

Wow, that is complicated, isn’t it.  Like physics, with a side of calculus and a big dollop of organic chemistry on top.  E=MC somethingorother with some Avagadro guacamole.  And don’t forget the big slice of Pi for dessert.

It certainly seems that way…. Is that big bang I just heard the sound of your brain exploding…?